Growing

08:14


 Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk across the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wonder, and my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my saviour. |Oceans|HillsongUnited|

You are stretching me. You are pushing me in a way that I didn’t anticipate, in a way that I don’t think even makes sense, but in one that I have to accept.  Why did you choose me? What is your plan and purpose in this? Why did you pick me for this unique set of circumstances? What is it about me that you created that is able to survive, thrive, to manage these set of challenges? Why did you choose me for this? 

A man makes plans in his heart but the Lord directs his steps. You have not only directed, you’ve created a new set of plans, ones that I would not have anticipated to make alone. It’s an uncomfortable place; I cannot lie and say I have fully surrendered, but I think I am getting to that place. It’s becoming a little easier and I am trusting you in a way that feels new again.

In this season you are pushing my boundaries, increasing my capacity. I was unprepared for it. I thought I knew what it would be like—in my mind, it was almost perfect. I made room for imperfection, and room for you to freestyle, forgetting that you cannot be contained into a corner. You take up space with your creativity, you rewrite the script, and you cause me to confront my fears, my discomfort; you raise up mirrors around me and I’m forced to look at myself. You are causing me to look at myself and it’s uncomfortable. I’m writhing in discomfort, shutting my eyes, looking away, shouting, but I am surrounded by mirrors. It’s me. I am seeing myself. I like it but it scares me. I like it but it could be better. I like it, it takes my breath away. There are such extraordinary contradictions contained in me, ones that do not quite make sense but somehow, they flow together.

You are increasing my capacity to trust you, to be patient in a way I’ve never had to be, to confront my fears, my emotions. You are causing me to become a leader in a way that I didn’t think I would have to. In a way that I didn’t want to. I have to take the lead in something that I thought wasn’t my responsibility to. You’ve switched the roles and I am perplexed. And it’s going to require a level of focus that I have never had to employ and truthfully, I do not feel confident. You know how imperfect I am. You know that I have more errors than wins, that I’ve stumbled and fallen far shorter than I should for a person who has known you this long. Truthfully, I do not feel capable for this task before me, because even now, my mind is wrestling with it. Yes, I know it isn’t by my strength, nor by my power.  And of-course I am willing. I think there is someone who is better qualified.  And you know that there is, and yet you still choose me. 

Yes, I ought to learn that you pick the one who is willing for the mission you set before them. You don’t pick randomly, blindly, or as a second option. You are intentional. And you intentionally chose me with these sets of challenges, to traverse the sorrows and pain, to be pressed and pushed in this way, that I may grow for your plans and purposes, that I may draw closer and experience you intimately; that I break from the prison of human expectation and ways of thinking, and to flow into you to bring glory to your name, and understand the mystery of who you are, and the mystery of who I am, and the mystery of everything that surrounds us. I don’t think I’ll ever figure you out, but I think if I surrender, you will take me through profound places and hidden areas of the soul and spirit that I wish to comprehend. 

It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of Kings – Proverbs 25:2

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