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I have to let you go. It’s difficult for me to sit here and realize that where I want to go you can no longer come with me. When I realized that you could not come with me, I wept. I spent most of the day pouring my grief into my pillow; I was barely able to catch my breath. I don’t know if you care to know, but the splitting headache that ensued left me bed-ridden for days. 

Please understand that I would prefer to keep things as they are, but deep down in my heart, if I am to be free, to finally walk in who I am supposed to be, we have to separate.  I have to traverse a path I haven’t seen before, one that I had never imagined for myself.  Yes, something changed in me and I realized it was you who had to go, it was you who, no matter my prayers, supplications, begging, fasting, abstaining; it is you who I must leave behind. Admittedly, the thought causes my heart to seize in fear; even my blood congeals in my feet; I feel light headed; it’s disorienting. How can I be without you, you whom I’ve known since I’ve been conscious of myself?  You were with me through every good and bad decision, through every high of good grades, thinking I’d fallen in love, winning games, and every low of heartbreak, failing grades, and the deep sadness that ensued. 

Remembering these things brings a heaviness in my chest. How did I not drown? You always stood so close by, always present, ever-close. Always a spectator. And that's the problem. You've only ever been a spectator.  All this time I convinced myself that your presence meant participation. That you'd helped me, or even encouraged me. And I got dependent on your presence because you are familiar.  You make it ok for me to lack discipline and focus. With you, I can justify every wrong thing. Nothing is either right or wrong, good or bad. Everything is whatever I want it to be. But how can I possibly live like that? How can I grow in that? To you, everything is permissible and beneficial, hence the reason I can no longer go with you. 

All this while I thought I needed you. But you've been holding me back.  And even now, I'm not sure if it's you I loved or the idea of you.

At first I felt sorry, but I am relieved. Relieved that I have a choice to walk away from you; relieved that I no longer have to blame you for what I haven't been able to do. 

I know what I want now, and you are not part of that. 

And for this revelation I am finally at ease.

“In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void; and darkness was on the face of the deep….Then God said, “Let here be light” and there was light |Gen1:1-3 NKJV|.”

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I told myself that I will be intentional in maintaining positivity, that I would not drag the old into the new. And as I sit on this new day of this new decade, I tell myself that it’s a novel idea; it is easy on this day because I am looking into this new decade as an opportunity to make it greater than the last. And because I desire this, challenges will soon crop up. We always say there is power in the tongue. Death and life reside in it. There’s a belief that our words have creative power. 

And I considered the creation story, how God created the earth, but spoke substance and form into it from the void. And as I pondered on the void, I began to think about the areas in my life that are void. They are without form, and are covered in darkness. There are bruises there, unmet expectations, disappointments, uncomfortable truths and fears skulking in the darkness.  God knew to speak light where darkness roamed. So what words do I need to speak where the issues of life roam, where there is a void in me that is waging war against my life? 

No, I didn’t think to speak “let there be light.” Instead, I looked at that area of my life, that void, that bruise/hurt, and I said “Let there be healing.” To that dark place festering with un-forgiveness, I said “Let there be forgiveness.” That area that is chaotic and seemingly ready to drown me: “Let there be peace.”

Do I feel forgiving, or healed or at peace? Not at this particular moment, but I cannot doubt the efficacy of my creative power. If it is spoken, then it is so. God said “Let there be light” and there was light.

I know that as the minutes, hours, days, and months progress, I will encounter what I need to precipitate the manifestation of that forgiveness, of the peace, of that healing. Or perhaps it will happen without me clocking it. 

Anyway, through all of this I have to admit that I considered how even with this creative power, the void is often intimidating. The efforts that I make to quell the booming and rolling voice of chaos that more often than not tosses me to and fro; that even when I speak, the chaos continues, are rendered fruitless. And I get discouraged, and frustrated, and I wonder why my creative power doesn’t work. But it is safe to say that the more I allow discouragement, and doubt, and frustration to take over, I dull the power of that voice to create what I want. My source of power, of strength, of peace is God, and so, when I disconnect from him because of doubt, and discouragement, and fear, and frustration, I lose my power, and the void persists. 

So what?

I’m tired of the void. I’m tired of the feeling of powerlessness. I’m tired of the areas in my soul that are without form, yet dictate how I move, how I respond, how I interact with my environment. I’m tired of the void bewitching me almost, driving me to act, say, and exist in a way that strips me of my power. It makes existing in this place burdensome, and brings a deep weariness to my soul. 

  So what will I do? 

God’s Spirit hovered over the face of the waters that were inevitably covered in darkness (v 2). I have to push back. I have to fight for myself. I’m surrounded by the darkness, and the waters, and the emptiness but I have power over them. I have to believe that. I have my word; I have my God. I have my voice. 

 It’s the simple actions that often destroy the giants in our lives, isn’t it?

      So speak to the void. 

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SoulTea

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~SoulTea~