He will cover you with his feathers and under his wings I take refuge. He is my shield and buckler. Psalm 91: 4-5|

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I found fear lingering at the edge of the precipice I was about to leap over, whispering something inaudible at first; and as I paused to make sense of its words, I realized how steep the jump was; how suddenly unrealistic my expectations were. My heart rate began rising, but I remembered what was spoken: do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

I was about to leap into unchartered territory, venture toward something that I haven’t done before, and doubt was making everything seemingly clear, the impossibilities more pronounced, and I began weighing what I had with what I needed…

The leap you must make did not suddenly become more steep now that you have to make it. It has been the same even before you made the decision to take the plunge.

And just like that, that still small voice brought my confidence back, but I’m still a bit shaken. That’s just like fear, you know? An enemy to progress. Delayer of progress and productivity. A serial murderer of dreams and opportunities. A ruthless prison guard, that if you are not careful, you’ll forever be paralyzed, and ever at its mercy. 

So what of fear? I’ve begun ignoring its voice, putting my plans above its reasonings, choosing to believe that I have enough of what I need, rather than succumb to its facts. Taking my eyes off of the forbidden fruit of facts, and choosing faith toward a road I’ve been called.

And I’m conquering slowly: doing the opposite of what fear is demanding. Praying. Talking myself through each doubt that creeps in. Extending grace to myself. Reminding myself that the true walk of faith is based off of what God is saying, not always what he is showing. And being my own friend; encouraging myself the way I’d encourage my friend. And cease from nitpicking and critiquing. Everything that I do and create, may my eyes and mouth declare them to be good. 

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 Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction Isaiah 48:10

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I hear how desperate you are. I see how desperate things have become. And if I could, I would change everything for you, so you could have everything you need in an instant. I’ve encouraged you to hang on a little longer. I hear you saying there isn’t a point. You’ve been pushed to the edge. You’ve waited long enough, been patient long enough, you’ve done your part. Why isn’t someone doing their job?

Life has shown me that you could come to the end of your rope but there’s always more rope. If it doesn’t get resolved today, then perhaps tomorrow. And if not tomorrow, find a way to survive today. There’s still more rope; more life. And it feels like you have anvils on your legs, anvils on your shoulders and chest, and there’s no reason to try to make it, because everyone everywhere, yourself included is letting you down; everything is weighing you down, breaking your resolve.

But there’s more rope. And the more you look at this rope and repeat to yourself that you’ve waited long enough, been patient long enough; you are inadvertently tying that rope around your neck. Your own words are like a noose around your throat, cutting off your oxygen. It’s hard not to, but it’s not going to make things happen faster, come quicker, or even straighten out as they should. It makes the enduring that much harder and unbearable.

What’s the solution? Don’t think too far ahead. Plan, but don’t be married to the plan. Take it one moment at a time, one day at a time. Focus on what is within your control. Don’t let your mind marinade too long on what you need, because its absence is fuel for desperate thoughts which will manifest to desperate actions. 

You are in the furnace of affliction. Everything is overwhelming; the moments of relief don’t seem enough. But you will not be destroyed. It may not seem so now, but you will make it through.  As gold is sometimes refined in fire, your afflictions are refining you. You’ll make it out.  And you’ll make it out better than you were before. But you can’t succumb to desperation. There is something about you and within you and around you being burned off.  Let this process do its perfect work, that at its completion you will come out polished, ready to do His will.

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pic via: unknown credit 

The last time that you prayed, did you pray for strength to overcome the challenges you face, or did you ask that they be removed from you?  I was reminded today to think about the prayers that I pray. I have encountered challenges that I vocalized, prayed, decreed I did not want to face, only to end up facing them. And it’s discouraging, because it makes me wonder why my prayers did not come to pass. But I was reminded that when I pray, to always pray for strength to overcome; strength to fight through the challenges that are here and that are real.  It can be discouraging as Christians to experience things we don’t think we should. But we have to remember that in all things we are more than conquerors. Although we have been given power and authority to overcome, often we put our sword and shield down and beg for escape. 

Right now, for a lot of us our physical/mental health, finances, security, and social connections and supports are in shambles and prayer is the last thing that we want to engage in. But we must repent, stir ourselves up with the word of God and raise up once again our shield of faith and believe that we will get through this season.  And when we have stirred ourself, let’s pray for others, that God’s mercy and divine providence reaches them so they can find a reason to choose to live another day. 

I don’t know when things will get better; if that better will be experienced in this generation at all. I don’t know what the near and distant future hold, but I pray that we pray for the spirit of strength, and the spirit to overcome any and all challenges we face. In this world, we will have trouble. But we can rest in assurance of the one who has overcome the world, and in turn through Himself has made us overcomers.

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Do not be discouraged or dismayed. Don't lose hope.  Despite what we are all facing in various measures, we are coming out of this victorious!

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Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4: 16-18 (NIV)

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pic via @thegrnwood

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I am assigned a race, one that I must run with all diligence and focus. I cannot allow myself to be distracted or shifted from my lane. I must make it to the end, and not be found wanting.  Some of us are running while looking to the side; some of us have veered off course and think just because we are running we are still on the right path. Some of us don’t want to be led back to the right road, despising the length and the obstacles in our way. But just because you are building and achieving does not mean you are ahead. Because unless the builder is God, you are building in vain. Although you may build here on Earth for the comfort of all your generations, you will be found wanting in heaven. 

So, I am choosing to run my race, overcoming the obstacles that I put in my own way, and those that life have erected; I will do everything that God is calling me to, without excuse or blame or fear.

When you sit on this lyric and reflect, what are the things in you that pain has changed? How has going through painful moments transformed your life? 

I am beginning to fully comprehend that I have my own race set before me, my own lane unique to me even if it may look similar to another’s. I have my own cross to bear, my own problems that I must overcome through endurance, as Christ endured and overcame the cross. 

Many people were crucified in Jesus’s time, but none had his burden of responsibility. But he endured the abandonment, mockery; being stripped naked, ostracized, villainized, and shouldering the burden of humanity’s sin. Through all this, he did not lose sight of what he was doing, and why he was doing it. He didn’t allow the shame of his experience to keep him from fulfilling his purpose.  He despised shame; he looked at shame and decided that the joy to be experienced was greater than the shame experienced. He despised shame; he called it powerless, worthless and beneath him*. For this reason, he was able to endure to fulfill his purpose.

What does that have to do with pain changing you? Jesus love for us was greater than the suffering of the cross. Our pain cannot be greater than the promise and joy that is set before us, on earth and eternity. As a Christian, the Word reminds me that I share in the suffering of Christ. I mustn’t forget that the journey of a Christian will have suffering, suffering because I proclaim the gospel, and suffering because I am a sinful being and I reside in a sinful world. I can’t escape suffering, whether directly or vicariously. Yet, all in all, I must endure it.

But in Christ nothing goes to waste.

Pain has helped me turn to God, when I was not walking in his ways. He allowed suffering and opened my eyes that what I was looking for could not be supplied by any human being. In order to understand the world, I have to come out of it, come high where he is, and see everything around me through His word and his spirit, rather than through my human understanding.  The same way that Jesus went through suffering, and had people mocking him that if he was truly the son of God, why not save himself. They could not and did not perceive what His suffering entailed, so too, I must discern through the Spirit the purpose of what I go through, rather than despise it as do those who lack understanding. 

Just as Jesus was not deterred by the cross and the shame that came with it, but remained focused, faithful to the end; I, too, must follow that example, remain focused and faithful in the work that is set before me.

And all this pain is to help me, transform me to be Christ-like; Christ-like in my responses, Christ-like in my endurance, Christ-like in my dependence on God, Christ-like in my faith. 

And It’s a continual process. Sometimes I forget; I fall down, and allow the burden of my cross and the shame that comes with it to stagnate my feet. But He remains faithful to pull me out of my own pain and give me hope to press on. In pressing on I am made bolder, stronger, able to endure all things, changing to fully reflect His image and likeness. 

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*https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/what-does-it-mean-for-jesus-to-despise-shame

This month, find the confidence to start. To continue. 

 Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk across the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wonder, and my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my saviour. |Oceans|HillsongUnited|

You are stretching me. You are pushing me in a way that I didn’t anticipate, in a way that I don’t think even makes sense, but in one that I have to accept.  Why did you choose me? What is your plan and purpose in this? Why did you pick me for this unique set of circumstances? What is it about me that you created that is able to survive, thrive, to manage these set of challenges? Why did you choose me for this? 

A man makes plans in his heart but the Lord directs his steps. You have not only directed, you’ve created a new set of plans, ones that I would not have anticipated to make alone. It’s an uncomfortable place; I cannot lie and say I have fully surrendered, but I think I am getting to that place. It’s becoming a little easier and I am trusting you in a way that feels new again.

In this season you are pushing my boundaries, increasing my capacity. I was unprepared for it. I thought I knew what it would be like—in my mind, it was almost perfect. I made room for imperfection, and room for you to freestyle, forgetting that you cannot be contained into a corner. You take up space with your creativity, you rewrite the script, and you cause me to confront my fears, my discomfort; you raise up mirrors around me and I’m forced to look at myself. You are causing me to look at myself and it’s uncomfortable. I’m writhing in discomfort, shutting my eyes, looking away, shouting, but I am surrounded by mirrors. It’s me. I am seeing myself. I like it but it scares me. I like it but it could be better. I like it, it takes my breath away. There are such extraordinary contradictions contained in me, ones that do not quite make sense but somehow, they flow together.

You are increasing my capacity to trust you, to be patient in a way I’ve never had to be, to confront my fears, my emotions. You are causing me to become a leader in a way that I didn’t think I would have to. In a way that I didn’t want to. I have to take the lead in something that I thought wasn’t my responsibility to. You’ve switched the roles and I am perplexed. And it’s going to require a level of focus that I have never had to employ and truthfully, I do not feel confident. You know how imperfect I am. You know that I have more errors than wins, that I’ve stumbled and fallen far shorter than I should for a person who has known you this long. Truthfully, I do not feel capable for this task before me, because even now, my mind is wrestling with it. Yes, I know it isn’t by my strength, nor by my power.  And of-course I am willing. I think there is someone who is better qualified.  And you know that there is, and yet you still choose me. 

Yes, I ought to learn that you pick the one who is willing for the mission you set before them. You don’t pick randomly, blindly, or as a second option. You are intentional. And you intentionally chose me with these sets of challenges, to traverse the sorrows and pain, to be pressed and pushed in this way, that I may grow for your plans and purposes, that I may draw closer and experience you intimately; that I break from the prison of human expectation and ways of thinking, and to flow into you to bring glory to your name, and understand the mystery of who you are, and the mystery of who I am, and the mystery of everything that surrounds us. I don’t think I’ll ever figure you out, but I think if I surrender, you will take me through profound places and hidden areas of the soul and spirit that I wish to comprehend. 

It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of Kings – Proverbs 25:2