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    Sin follows me like a shadow. I sit, it sits with me. I pray, it stands outside the doors, knocking, and knocking, waiting for me to slip.  I eat, and it sits across from me, smiling sardonically. I sleep, and it enters the room, standing at the foot of my bed, watching me, tempting me.
    I told myself I had conquered it. But I slipped. Take heed lest you fall. What goes up must come down after all. I had not anticipated that I would fall so easily, but I did. The shame of it fills my throat; my stomach is queasy.  My words of repentance sound empty. You are out of reach; my own body feels foreign. Yes, I know better. Yes, I should have done better. Yes, I should have fled swiftly. Yes, Yes, Yes. I KNOW.
    Moments like these are humbling and humiliating. It reminds me to always show mercy to others because we all fall short. It’s humiliating because I’m reminded of the times where, high on my throne, I looked down with pity and disdain at those who keep slipping back into their old patterns. And now I'm ensnared by my own hubris.
    Yes, I know there’s grace, but I am tired. I wonder if grace ever gets tired. Tired of rescuing me from something I should be free from. By definition, I have it, even though I don’t deserve it. It’s there, always available. Even now as I stand in this vacuum devoid of sound, of feeling, of life, it is within reach.
    But I am tired.


    “Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. [For] no discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. (Isaiah 40:30-31, Hebrews 12:11).
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          "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?....”(Isaiah 43:19 NIV)
                                                             
    Come.
    Let me show you something. 

    I told you that you are one in a million. You are a gem, a rarity among your kind. How wonderful that you bring a titillating sound to depths that were soundless, and thrilling bursts of light to corridors fast asleep. You carry with you a series of complexities that are temporarily suspended in exchange for this joyful rhapsody. Intriguing isn’t it?
    Let me not digress.

    Do you see us sitting on the sparse grass with patches of dry earth that makes the terrain uneven and sore to sit on? I know you feel that chilly breeze that whispers among the crowd as the sun sets into the horizon and casts a kaleidoscope of color that enchants the atmosphere. It’s a cloudless day. You gently shoo away the kids that are playing an asinine game of whipping each other with rope after the rope whizzes too close to us. We are sitting on our sweaters and are ready to dig into our food supplied by the food trucks not too far behind. I can’t recall the last time I was at a festival. And as we dig into our food, I can’t recall the last time I had a meal so awful. You get up to get me a different meal. It’s a little better than the last but not by much. You tease me for my pickiness but agree that it would have been best if we had a meal elsewhere. We laugh, we tease, you touch my cheek affectionately. I gently swat your hand away and you laugh some more. 
    Getting up, we walk around, arms linked; I nestle close to you, because even with a sweater on I want your body heat. It gets a little chilly soaring at these heights.

    We float away to a café and sit and repartee for hours, our souls engaging in a dance that sends bursts of euphoria through each of us. And with each effusion, our spirits come close, engaged in a mystical dance that elevates our euphoria, transmitting signals and energy, exposing fear, casting out fear (for there is no freedom in fear), collecting information, analyzing…. I suppose it is within this intermingling of energy that, often, some feel an inexplicable connection, a familiarity that spans decades in mere moments. It isn’t quite like that though. But we are drawn to each other; yet, this cathexis hasn’t been as intoxicating. In fact, it seems to draw reason and sense from the depths of our souls, whilst permitting us to revel in its soulful rhapsody. It’s nice, isn’t it? You kiss my forehead, and in the soft ambiance of the room, you whisper that you like my smile.

    We kiss outside under the canopy of the enormous trees by the roadside. Nevertheless, there’s a roaring in the wind that I must heed. It separates us. We cling to vain words and explosive feelings, trying to control the wind as it creates a chasm between us.  Are you willing to die in order to live?  You take a step back.

    Admittedly we are at a crossroads; our paths must diverge.  I smile at you; even with this gulf between us I must smile. I stumbled into you, wondering why you were in the middle of the road, and now I get to continue my path with a pocket full of treasures I wasn’t even looking for.

    “Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her and she will watch over you…. For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Prov 4:6, Rom 8:28 NIV).
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    Chenai.
    27.
    The Lord has given me His words of wisdom....morning by morning He wakens me and opens my understanding to His will. Isaiah 50:4


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