SoulTea: May 2018

I chose you because I think you are wonderful. I won’t pepper my reasons with saccharine verbiage and philosophies. I chose you because I like how I feel when I am with you. Is that selfish? Self-centered? You make me feel calm; even the internal turmoil, the uncertainty hushes, and I become aware of my surroundings. I’m aware of you. I notice how you breathe; how your movements propel your body to me. I notice the softness of your voice, the need in your tone, and the firmness of your grip. I notice your politeness, your accommodating nature. I notice so much that sometimes it jumpstarts my brain and the panic and uncertainty returns. My body tenses.

I chose you because you are a mirror to my actions. In your calm, I see myself. I see my faults. Strange, that I should delight in this. But I like it because I see what I need to fix, what needs to change. I see an impatient, tense person who needs to be grounded, to be trusting, to not be so suspicious. I remember that I am not perfect that I need to extend grace and love and forgiveness.

It’s not to say that I do not see my strengths reflected. It’s that noticing my faults grounds me, and gives me perspective. It forces me to think before I speak. To ask for forgiveness when I am too harsh. And to not look to you as perfect, but to remind me of my own imperfection when my judgement is too severe.

I chose you because with you I know I will become the woman that I want to be: strong, bold, compassionate, and wise. I know that I will transform into the image of the one who created me. I am not afraid of what is reflected back at me. You give me the opportunity to work hard and set fire to the impurities in me. You challenge me to be intentional, intentional in my healing, intentional with my growth; you challenge me to surrender to the process and push beyond the feelings of hopelessness, of frustration, of things taking too long and things not working out, and not seeing improvement.

I chose you because you are the perfect mirror. You don’t highlight the good and hide the bad. You don’t add filters to soften the rough edges, the cracked places, and mystify the dark places. You show me as I am; and instead of being frightened, embarrassed, distraught, ashamed -- those feelings that rise when you feel inadequate--- I smile, instead. I smile because I can face myself and still feel human. I feel that I am enough. I see the imperfect slowly becoming perfect; and all the imperfections that are pending perfection remind me I am made of flesh.

I chose you because with you I don’t have to run from myself. I can face myself, smile at myself, and be compassionate with myself.

I chose you because I can be a better person to myself, and thus a better person to you.

I chose you because you are you.

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