I know I have said these words to you a thousand times with tears in my eyes and shame in my heart. I denied myself both food and water for many days so I could show you how truly repentant my heart was. I eliminated all those things that would displease you; I changed the way I talked and the way that I dressed, so you would know how remorseful I felt.

But today my apology is different. Today I am apologizing to you for my failure to appreciate all the things that you have done and continue to do. I apologize to you for lashing out and feeling annoyed, and wondering if you even care at all. I am sorry for saying hurtful things and threatening to leave and ignoring you for weeks, even months at a time. I am apologizing to you for all these things and more because I realize that I am wrong. I am wrong because I signed up for this. I chose to trust you, trust your words, trust your guidance, trust your plans, trust that you are enough for me no matter what. I chose this relationship with you, and thoughtfully confessed that I would forsake all others, and gave you authority over my life. I surrendered to you, and agreed that no matter what I would leave it all into your hands because I decided that you could and would take care of me. I agreed that  for all the things that I don’t understand, for all the times that I am frustrated, annoyed, impatient, confused, I would come to you and talk to you about it. Because isn’t that what people in a relationship do? Talk when things are good and when things are bad, and when things aren’t making sense, and be present to listen and understand?  I realize that I haven’t been doing that with you. I shout, and cry, get angry and storm off. I don’t want to listen to you, and in doing so I forget; I forget that I entered into a covenant with you in which I agreed that you were sufficient for my life and that all that I needed could be found in you and supplied by you.  You supplied me a measure of faith so that I continue to hold your words to be true. But I haven’t held that to be true because I forgot. The cares of life increased my impatience, and instead of talking to you, I complained, and whined, seeing all the ways that I am behind, which caused me to look at you as withholding, and as a liar; wondering if there was any value in maintaining the relationship at all. All the while, I haven’t been doing my part to sustain it. 

In fact, I blame you for my impatience: (why must you move at a glacial pace?),  I blame you for my uncertainty: (why can’t you just show me the end result so I know everything will be ok?), I blame you for my frustrations (why must you allow these inconveniences to plague my life?). In all of this, I have disregarded your provisions, your words and assurance that you have not forgotten me, that my name is engraved in the palm of your hand; that you wove my destiny before I knew you, and that all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be (Isaiah 49:15-16, Jeremiah 1:5, Psalm 139:16).

 All in all, You are doing a spectacular job. Your love has been consistent and unconditional. You have taken care of me even when it has been excruciatingly uncomfortable. Your grace has been enough and continues to be so. Your continued presence has made a difference in my life in ways that I can’t articulate. You help me see the error of my ways without humiliating or shaming me.

These words are not just to say I am sorry that I did wrong, or that I am aware that you know all. These words are to say that I am sorry that I haven’t been doing my part. I am sorry that I have tried to put my responsibility on you and did not understand or respect your boundaries. I am grateful that you did not appease my emotions, nor were you moved by my anger. Your faithfulness has helped me see my errors. I know now that I must learn to come boldly to the throne of grace, [so that] I may obtain mercy and find grace to help [me] in time of need (Hebrews 4:16).

                     I am blessed to be chosen by you, loved by you and instructed by you.

   

  

                                                                                                           Sincerely,

                                                                                                           Your Child

                                            

There are days where I feel that God’s in control and all will be well, but most often I feel despondent and stuck; even the things that I should be doing I don’t do because I ask myself: What’s the point? It isn’t taking me anywhere. But during this walk with God, he has reminded me that there is a time and season for everything, and I should not allow myself to be vexed wondering when a certain thing will happen. Even though my misery is increasing, God says for every matter there is a time and judgement (Ecclesiastes 8:6). What I am hoping and praying for, that thing will occur in its time.

In fact, I was reading the book of Revelations one day and came to this verse: “And when he had opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of them that were slain for the word of God, and for the testimony which they held: And they cried with a loud voice, saying, How long, O Lord, holy and true, dost thou not judge and avenge our blood on them that dwell on the earth? And white robes were given unto every one of them; and it was said unto them, that they should rest yet for a little season, until their fellowservants also and their brethren, that should be killed as they were, should be fulfilled.”  (Revelations 6:9-11)

The saints in heaven are asking when they will be avenged; even they are waiting on God to act. And his response is: just wait a while; rest. It’ll happen in due season. It amazed me that there are folks in heaven waiting on God just as I am waiting on God and he assures them just as he is assuring me with his word!

I know it’s tough to wait, but He has planned your Blessings in such a way that certain things have to be fulfilled for you to enjoy and receive the fullness of the blessings. Jesus isn’t going to come out riding on a cloud because the saints have fasted. He is coming when it is time. Right now, we are to prepare for such a time.

All these annoyances, lessons, frustrations, the good, the bad, (the ugly), are leading to something even greater than ourselves. So, even though your season isn’t here yet (and may not be here for a long while), know that it’s coming. And even if you hate the season that you are in, there is always something to learn while you are in it.

Believe that God is leading you to where you desire to be. Look at Abraham. Old as he was, God promised that his descendants would be as numerous as the sand. But he didn’t even have 1 child at the time of the promise to have reason to believe God would do it.  But God did it. A promise was spoken, and in season and at the right time, that promise was fulfilled.

Above all, don’t get ahead of God. Don’t second-guess him, or decide you know how he is bringing the blessing into your life (Don’t bring in Ishmael, when God has Isaac for you). Wait for him to speak. And when he has spoken then you act.

Some days I find that waiting is the worst part of this relationship. Because you never know how long you are supposed to wait. Is “a little season” 3 months or 30 years? But we have assurance that whilst we wait, we have hope that it will be fulfilled. He wants us to rest in Him. Let him orchestrate the times, and commit to what he has called you to do for now.

 Your patience may be wearing thin, but speak to the Lord and let it be restored. Your hope in what you are asking for will not be shamed.

“For the vision is yet for an appointed time; But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie. Though it tarries, wait for it; Because it will surely come, it will not tarry” (Habakkuk 2:3—NKJV).