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                  "When I said, "my foot is slipping," your unfailing love, Lord, supported me." |Psalm 94:18|
                                                                      **
    I’m grateful for my family & friends and their support, comfort and overall encouragement this 2018. Moving, although the prospect was liberating, was a lot daunting than I thought. The opportunity arose and made no sense yet I took it. And when things didn’t unfold as expected, and I still desired to stay in this familiar place, I questioned myself. And questioned myself over and over, battling through fear and faith, convincing myself that moving is what I wanted and it was the right step. And I spent a lot of time wondering how I was going to figure out a way out of this place, and dealing with crippling doubt that saw me move from one place to another, still feeling so unsure, telling myself to be confident. I know what I am supposed to do yet the doubt and stress has blurred my vision, and the distraction has pushed me off course.  It was as though I’d been thrown into a maze disoriented, and now had to figure out a way out. The only way out being through. And no confidence to reorient myself to try a path, any path. Even arriving at a dead end would be better than not moving. 
    My movement was minuscule. But it was something. The exit seemed farther away than the starting point and I just didn’t see the point of seeing it through. Even though deep down I know I wanted to. All of this has shown me that the obstacle in my way isn’t an external person, place or thing. It is me with the distractions that I give in to; the doubts I entertain when I know better, the fear I surrender to when I know everything is going to be alright. It’s the outside voices causing greater doubt and the inside voice too timid, too weary to counter them. 
    I lost my focus. I cozied up with doubt even though I knew it didn’t belong with me. 
    But the year wasn’t a complete waste. In the midst of the tears, there was much to celebrate:  a long overdue visit from my friend, weddings, babies, and a weekend get away that was much needed. 
    2018 wasn’t what I expected, but looking back I suppose it wasn’t as bad as it felt.  There were moments that required courage that I didn’t know I have, and faith I most certainly didn’t practice. I’m courageous and resilient, yes, but I must run and not walk.  I must leap in with both feet, as I did with moving, rather than leaping in and leaping out. 
    There is much that I am glad to leave behind. And many great things to expect from myself, finally. And above all, I will cling even tighter to my God, who has been the only constant amid all my and life's inconsistency. 
                                                                                            **
               "The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." |Psalm 18: 2|
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    Funny, how relational dynamics change. The one who used to be close is now an acquaintance. An acquaintance is now closer than a sister. This is all part of life, of growth, of shedding and beginning anew. It’s sometimes confusing; it hurts, it’s uncomfortable and sometimes traumatic. But in all of it you become stronger, wiser, and learn to appreciate life as God made it. It is all part of the journey, and as you grow in understanding, you realize these changes aren’t a bad thing. You stop ascribing a negative characteristic to them because this is the path you had to take. It had to happen this way so you can see the faithfulness, protection, forgiveness and the love of God. And you go through this so you may grow in faithfulness; you learn to protect, and forgive, and love as God does. Some challenges are there to equip us for the road ahead. Others reveal a profound resilience of our Spirits. Others are there to chip away what is weak in us so that we become strong and wise. I’m growing in understanding of why it is necessary to guard my heart, to be vigilant over it. The devil truly does come as an angel of light. It’s not everyone who calls you friend that’s a friend. It’s not everyone who says they love you that carry love in their hearts. But despite betrayals, and hurt, when you release it to God, He raises a standard against the enemy of your soul. He raises your capacity to respond as Him. Truly, our battle is not against flesh and blood, the vessel (the person/people) through which that pain came; but it is against the wicked spirits executing their agenda through those people. What part of your destiny are they trying to abort? What area of your character are they trying to destroy? Why are they hell bent on stealing your peace and your expectation? It is so hard to think spiritually when evil has a clear face. Some are bewitched, and cannot fathom why they do the wicked things that they do. But when you surrender you eventually come to a place of understanding (maybe of thankfulness). Human relationships are not without tribulation. But God is your hope, and will succour your heart in dark times, He will lead you beside the still waters and will restore your soul. And with restoration, He will teach you how to stand against your enemy and uproot the seeds that your enemy has planted. God is faithful in all things. It is well. 

    |Entrust yourself to the one who judges justly. 1 Peter 2:23|
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    To reach deep within you and bring to light the broken, the dark, the hidden.
    To heal in light; to birth you anew; to build in you a character that is in Him.
    To open your eyes to the abnormal and conquer the thing that is unlike Him; to make you be more like the self you never knew you were.
    To heal in you the broken things, the bad decisions, the unfair things, so that one day you may heal the broken foundations of many generations.
    To open your eyes to the world around you and its desperate need for salvation. To build in you a leader who will lead a nation.
    Your friend. Your sister. Your brother. Your son. Your daughter. Your colleague. Is a nation.
    And so you will walk through the valley.
    You will fight to spread your wings while contained in a cage.
    You’ll writhe in discomfort. Scream yourself hoarse. You’ll push, and be pushed back. You’ll surrender and take it up again.
    You’ll make mistakes, over and over and over again. You’ll lose focus. Question your own integrity.
    He’ll lead you where it makes no sense. He’ll place you in a familiar place you’ll feel like a foreigner.
    He’ll take you to a foreign place, and you’ll be a foreigner. He’ll unravel you and create in you a clean heart. And he’ll remove the shame and  embarrassment and transform you in your weakness.
    He’ll give you a fresh word, a new voice, a bold spirit.
    God’s plan is to expand your capacity. Yours is different from his. Hers. Theirs.
    God’s plan is to award you the best, so that you may reflect his best as a city set on a hill, your light shining before men, and your good works bringing glory to His kingdom.
    Give him the abominable, abhorrent, unsanctified, fearful you.
    Leave the storied regrets behind. Who before you was perfect?

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    Chenai.
    28.
    The Lord has given me His words of wisdom....morning by morning He wakens me and opens my understanding to His will. Isaiah 50:4


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