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    Like a city that is broken down without walls is a man whose spirit is without restraint -Proverbs 2:28

            In the heat of the moment, it is a foreign concept to pause, assess, process and get perspective about a situation. Because the blood is boiling; the responses are piling up on your tongue, and they are ready to fly out like sharpshooters toward their target. No doubt your aim is accurate; but the results are disastrous. Emotions give you a false sense of accurately attacking your target. With emotions, everything is a target; even the point that wasn't a point of contention becomes contentious. Proverbs 27:17-18 says: the one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered. Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.  I do not always have a restraint on my emotions. The moments that I do, I pray that God gives me wisdom to respond, help me not respond emotionally. And I say it enough times until I feel myself stabilize to a normal heart rate. It takes patience to wait for a divine mystery to manifest the prayer; it takes patience to detach from my emotions and return to an equilibrium with the rest of my body.
    It takes patience.

    Admittedly I fail at exercising that patience, because sometimes, during that prayer, the outrage is enormous that it feels irrational to be rational about the moment. The knowledge and understanding that proverbs 27 talks about is rendered lifeless. And passion prevails. It prevails because it is all consuming; passion in and of itself is without restraint. But I must have restraint, so that it will not filter through my mind all willy nilly. And that takes practice. It means I have to be vigilant at the height of my emotional trigger; in the heat of that moment my spirit must overcome my soul and its passions and detach in order to be in control. 

    I am in a battle with my feelings all day long. This is not to say every emotion is negative.  But I need to build strong gates, with strong Durawalls that allow the positive through and the negative ones to be arrested. I'm praying for floods of patience, and equal portions of humility to receive this patience. Because this pride cannot be subdued with deep breaths and counting backwards. I must decide to humble myself to receive the divine empowerment I need to exercise patience. And as psalm 27, says having knowledge and understanding allows for the exercise of restraint and even-tempered-ness.
     Evidently, this is a test of self-control, of self-mastery. I found a quote by Josh Billings, that states: the best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust.  And I find this quote relate-able. I'm familiar with that feeling, of having to absolutely let words be said otherwise they are not impactful, or I won't be heard, or I won't get my feelings or point across, and oh-my-gosh-it is of absolute importance to convey how I'm feeling. But those words come, and they are like perpetual vomit, and just as acrid. Evidently, I lack restraint. I am without knowledge or understanding when I behave like this. And a disaster is awaiting me at the end of that harangue. I can only hope that in these interactions, the other person has greater restraint, otherwise I am to brace myself for a deluge of equal or greater venomous response. To what end, though? I cannot control how the other person responds, neither can I expect them to be self- controlled. I can only control myself and my emotions, and prayerfully ask that I not allow myself to be provoked by someone's lack of self control either.

    So, what am I to do? Pause. In the midst of a tumultuous storm of emotions battling my heart, I have to learn to pause, and command this deluge to be still. And I must practice this until I become better at it.  And one day soon, the fruit of my lips shall bring me great satisfaction.           
    Until then I shall plead with the Lord to set a guard over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips! Psalm 141:3     
    **
    Chenai Mbanga
    ~SoulTea~

    pics from @romeoshagba/@graobe_noelle
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    Fear is a thief. A coward. It sneaks upon on you. It never can come to you plain and bold. It hides, lurks in the shadows, always waiting for an importune moment. It is always ready to be at war, ready to consume. Fear is passionate in its pursuit. Never relenting. And when it catches you, it isn't polite when it greets you. It doesn't ask for permission. It has no sense of boundaries. It comes anyway. And you have to stand up to it each and every time. You must be vigilant. You must be militant against it. If you give it room to speak, make sure you have a response. Always have a response to fear. Because if you allow it to speak, giving it an audience, it will eclipse every hope and expectation. It will cast a shadow of impossibility that was not there before. It kills hope. It kills joy. It kills expectation. It dances with doubt and intimidates you to abandon your purpose, your work. It dulls your senses, and obscures your vision, until you cannot see beyond what is in front of you.
    That is, if you let it.

    Fear is a thief. But it can embolden you to defend what is yours. Fear can be conquered, even in the midst of a deluge of challenges. God encourages you not to be fearful, especially when you are at a disadvantage. Fear closes you up to strategies, and options in the thick of things. But you must stand bold and protect your vision and your goal. What he will not deliever us from, He will walk through with us. And that is our assurance, that we will make it. But you must stand up to fear. Stand, and guard what is yours. Do not let it steal from you. Do not surrender what is yours. Do not allow fear to kill and destroy your expectations in life. Hang on to that dream and feed it. Plant your seeds and water them. Prune those gifts and talents. Protect them. Don't forsake them because of fear, yours or another's. Do not let fear make you a coward.


    For God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, of love and of a sound mind| 2 Timothy 1:7|
    **
    Chenai Mbanga
    ~SoulTea~

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    "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" |Romans 3:23|
    **
    May you freely adjust your expectations, releasing control in order to gain peace. That is, even as you set them, may you be open to adjust or even let them go. 

    May you remember that just as you may verbally express your expectations, it isn't a guarantee that they will get fulfilled. 

    May you remember that threats, anger and resentment are not the healthiest nor are they an effective way to get what you need. 
    There are moments that'll call for you to release your expectations completely. Be wise. Fewer words are better than many. At this juncture, strive to locate something to be grateful for. 

    Take a moment to examine whether other peoples' expectations for you are your expectations for you.
    Is your expectation for them their expectation for themselves? 

    Do not stew over your disappointment. Acknowledge your disappointment, and let it go. Disappointment quickly turns to resentment, and that lingers beneath the surface for a long time if you do not let go.

    This is not to say do not set expectations. It is wise to have and set standards, but just as you cannot always dictate your environment, you cannot have your way all the time. Even in common sense situations. 

    Leave room for God to do his perfect work. 

    And above all, may you receive grace from our Lord Jesus Christ. 
    ***
    "...clothe yourself with humility toward one another..." |1 Peter5:5|
    *
    Chenai Mbanga


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    Give birth. You’ve held my gift too long. Yes, my gift. It isn’t just for you, don’t you know that? I’m waiting on you.  I can’t move if you don’t move. I’m sorry, but you are holding me hostage. I need you to release. You’re past due. You’ve been pregnant. You’ve been full of this blessing. Yes, it’s daunting. No, I don’t know everything. But I know you have something I need. And I can’t move until you release it. I’m waiting on you.
    **
    Chenai Mbanga


    Pic by Mustafa Omar
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    The thief comes only to steal, to kill, and to destroy... |John 10:10|

    Fight.
    Because if you don’t fight for what you want you won’t get it. You’ll spend years wondering why, when, at the edge of breaking through, it all shatters to pieces. Fight for what is yours.
    Be bold. Be desperate.
    Fight for yourself. It may mean less sleep. Longer hours. Stirring up confidence you don’t feel. Letting go of unfruitful relationships. Creating effective boundaries. Saving your money. Investing in it differently. How you do it may require something you have never said or done before. You may have to sacrifice things that others will never have to. You may have to be uncomfortable for longer than you anticipated. You may have to work twice as hard. So fight harder. Not for her. Not for him. Not for them. For you.
    You think there are more obstacles in your way than someone else? So what? Your excuses and your reasons will have you going in circles. Your past will forever be a crutch if you don’t move it out of the way. 
    If you want this to be different, fight for yourself. And fight hard. 

    For you have girded me with strength for battle; You have subdued under me those who rose up against me. |Psalm 18:39|

    **
    Chenai Mbanga
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    “I don’t know” will keep you where you are. 

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    Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom. 
    |Song of Solomon 2:15|
    *
    *
    You are tending to a garden. You left the gate open. The foxes came and spoiled the grapes. Well, they certainly went into the rose bed and made a mess. You have to start cleaning up again. Clean up the dirt that was left; fix the plants that got trampled on. The damage isn’t too bad. Take a breath, it’s ok. What you must learn from this experience is that you have points of vulnerability. There are things that weaken your resolve and cause you to act against your own interest. It’s ok. It is good to recognize this, to see where you falter. What is of greatest importance is to re-establish your commitments. 
    Your garden is precious, you are doing a great job. There is still much work to be done, but well done for doing the work. I know that it isn’t easy; I know that there are more frustrating days than there are wonderful days, but if you keep pushing, I know you will have this garden thriving. Already, the soil is good ground for things to grow. It’s still a little acidic but it is getting better. I’m proud of you.
    Don’t agree to anything until the chief question has been answered and established. And you know what that is. You are intuitive. It has never let you down. Read the signs. Decipher the vibes. Allow yourself to be quiet and hear the answer that may not be revealed or said.
    Protect the garden no matter what. You now know where the breach is, where the vulnerabilities are.  Clean up the garden. Let go of any guilt or memories and begin tending to the garden once more.
                                                                                    *
                                                                                    *
                                                     
                                                                  ~Chenai Mbanga~
    pic from insta: @afrovulto
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    If there is no struggle, there is no progress. |Frederick Douglass|
                                                                                 **
    Fall is here. The leaves are changing and the days are growing shorter. There is a chill in the air alluding to a long and frigid winter. Things are changing again.  
    Change. 
    Have you changed? In the seasons that have passed, is anything different? Are you going through a process of change? Is there a metamorphosis taking place somewhere? Can you tell the difference? Can anyone? How do you feel?
    Change is necessary. There are days of extreme weather, where everything is fearful. There are days of calm, when you feel at ease. All of this works on nature; the trees continue to grow, the plants, flowers, grass…it all moves like clockwork. Sometimes it changes depending on extremity, but always there is a process at work. Life goes on. Change continues to happen in different increments everyday. One must be like nature---allowing change to manifest; and whether good or bad, reflecting the beauty of every moment. Because despite hailstorms, thunderstorms, snowstorms, tornadoes, amid the disaster, there is always something that survives the wreckage. 
    Do not allow yourself to be lulled into stagnancy. Put in the effort: whatever seeds you are planting, continue to water them. Plant where you can. Do not become weary or discouraged; do not marinade in frustration. There is a process at work; you can’t abort or abandon it. You must go through all of it. 

                                                                                  **
                                                                            ~Chenai Mbanga~
    pic from Insta: @coldoctober
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    Chenai.
    28.
    The Lord has given me His words of wisdom....morning by morning He wakens me and opens my understanding to His will. Isaiah 50:4


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