"Lord, you are the God who saves me; day and night I cry out to you. May my prayer come before you; turn your ear to my cry." |Psalm 88:1-2|

                                                                                          **

                                                                                      

You call me out into the deep. I step out in faith and I’m surrounded by a shark that bares its teeth and promises to destroy me if I so much as falter in my step. I stand and wait. I’m standing in the middle of an ocean looking for You to reassure me. You do, but I am experiencing an assault unimaginable. Surely this isn’t of you. The blessings of the lord make rich and add no sorrow with it. I am in sorrow every other moment, confused, wondering why this thing should taste so incredibly bitter. 

Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?

You have to pray. I must pray. Draw away from the noise, the confusion, and seek God. Repent. Be filled with him because he is the only consistent, honest, true thing in my life. Words of wisdom pour from many vessels yet my heart is not settled. 

Wait for God’s best; it’ll be sweet to taste, nothing bitter, nothing lacking, nothing broken.

 I struggle to make sense of these broken pieces handed to me, consistently cutting me, leaving me weary, often disillusioned. 

Pray. 

The Spirit of the Lord reaches places that my flesh, in my understanding, cannot.

 Pray, because surely this challenge is not without reason. 

Pray, because His grace is sufficient. His power is made perfect in weakness. 

Pray.

~SoulTea~

Photo credit: @afroellemag

I wish you would listen as much as you like to talk about yourself, your experiences, your feelings. Perhaps you would hear and understand my position, rather than see my words and expectations as trying to push you into a box. Your actions should speak louder than your words. I have to question everything because your words are loud, unrelenting. I don't want to be drowned by them, and given false security. I want to understand the basin from which your emotions flow, and ensure that basin is healed from past offenses. And so I make demands, not because I see you lacking, but because I know you are able to do better, and be better. So that I too may learn you, understand you. But I do not feel safe taking a step to understand someone who only wants to protect themselves and be understood, and will only understand you when they feel like it. 

It's all about good energy and good vibes with you. When the energy and the vibe stops flowing, where will I find you? By my side or farther from me? At the feet of Christ or elsewhere? Your commitment to this needs to be more than just good energy and good vibes. Those will go away, I promise you.  I need you to be present, focused. Don't allow yourself to be distracted, but be intentional about going beyond what you are used to, what you are comfortable with. Let your questions be exploratory, not overly critical and derisive. If you cannot do that, then you and I can never flow together. I want someone bold and courageous enough to flow against the current; not because of good vibes, or to prove a point, or hide from an insecurity, or display strength-real or imagined.  It's a journey that requires you to put down everything you think you know and re-learn anew. It's an experience that requires your submission; submission isn't predicated on a vibe or a feeling. It's a surrender despite what you think, feel, what you see. It's a disconnecting of what you think you know, your past and current experience, to seek the truth and operate in an enigmatic experience.

I want to be bold, courageous; to flow against the current, not to prove a point, or hide an insecurity, or display strength-real or imagined.  I want to listen well, understand well, focus well. I want to learn to let go of control so I can be these things. But in expecting this does not make me above correction, or perfect in my pursuit of holiness and righteousness.  I am learning as you are learning. Making mistakes. Learning to surrender.

I do not expect something that I am unwilling to do.

|...let us go right into the presence of God with sincere hearts fully trusting Him. For our guilty consciences have been sprinkled with Christ's blood to make us clean, and our bodies have been washed with pure water | Hebrews 10:22