Hi, my name is Chenai Mbanga! Welcome to my blog! I write to encourage, inspire and empower you in growing in your spiritual life through reflections and prose. I have been writing on this blog for 5 years now, and it has been a journey! Join me as I continue my journey toward self-actualizing.❤


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Latest Posts

Word Vomit

You need to eat, you say with concern. We need to get more meat on you. You are smaller from the last time I saw you.

I hold in a great, deep sigh. I could express my annoyance and shut this conversation down, but I can already feel my venomous response polluting my blood stream before it reaches my mouth.
Calm down, I tell myself. It’s not that serious. 

Your words echo in my ear; they kick up a dusty memory as they descend into my spirit. The last time I saw you, the same words spilled out of you like vomit, and I was covered in your bile before I even expressed my joy at meeting you. I have to remind myself that if a baby throws up on me, I’m grossed out, but my instinct isn’t to drop the baby. I ought not to drop you with my words, no matter how callous yours are.

If I looked the way you think I should, down to the kilogram or pound, I wonder if that would still be enough. Probably not. Even the folks I find esthetically pleasing, somehow I can still find flaws. But I have enough sense to keep it to myself.

You speak as though I don’t own a mirror and I’m wholly oblivious to the edges and peaks of my body; how some parts are sharp and not as smooth as you’d like them to be, and other parts may seem too narrow, too thin for your eyes to even navigate. I invite your eyes to turn back swiftly should they become discomfited when they travel terrain that is too thin that it becomes claustrophobic. If your eyes are uncomfortable at what they see, then they ought not to be there. 
Tell me, how can you be concerned about this speck in my eye and blithely oblivious to the log in your own eye? 

Yes, there are bodies that are broken, bruised, swollen, in need of help, and you are compelled to help, to speak. Do you sincerely believe I am one of those? That with your help I will become whole and perfect? Show me where I am broken, bruised and in need of your help.
Many are quick to find offense lately. Even my annoyance— why am I so affected? I can’t expect not to get pricked walking on a bed of thorns & thistles and get angry that they aren’t as soft as I want them to be. 

No; I cannot control your word vomit. Truthfully I sometimes can’t control my own. But I can control how I react to it. So although I was annoyed with you, you and I aren’t too different. Often, when my body is at equilibrium with my soul and spirit, I behold beauty in all shapes and sizes. But then sometimes I am callous & thoughtless, and accidentally-on-purpose I drop the baby. I am getting better at being restrained. I won’t drop you. Not this time around, anyway.