The thought of you last year filled me
with anxiety. Everything in me fought to
not acknowledge you, to erase your looming arrival. Your arrival brought with
it a mirror that revealed too much: every failure, every dream that looked
hopeless, and every expectation mocking and jeering at me.
Thoughts of you made me feel breathless
and fearful. Thoughts of you made me feel as though I was strapped in a strait
jacket, with invisible hands cutting at me left and right, unable to escape.
But this time is different. This year,
after going through that furnace, being consumed and harassed; after feeling so
unsure and fearful and confused; after crying myself hoarse, fasting myself
thin, praying myself empty, I am embracing you, stepping forward and celebrating
you and looking at you, gazing into you with expectation. You are giving me
confidence to try no matter what. You are pulling me into you, whispering words
of faith, coaxing me to believe, encouraging me to leap. You are inspiring me
to look beyond what is in front of me, and hang on to what I am hoping for.
And so I will celebrate you, the first
day of my 26th year. I will enjoy you, explore you, and trust that
you are pulling me towards my destiny. I will celebrate you because there is
only one of you, there will never be another you. I will grab hold of you and
take a leap of faith and believe that wherever I lend, everything will be ok.
So, although I have been hard pressed on
every side, I am not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted, but not
abandoned, struck down, but not destroyed. Many have been my afflictions but
God has delivered them all.*
*2 Corinthians 4:8; Psalm 34:19
