Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away. If one were to give all the wealth of one’s house for love, it would be utterly scorned.
|Songs of Solomon 8:7 | NIV |
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I used to say that I want to marry for love.
What did I understand love to be? I believed that love was patience, kindness, goodness, not self-seeking, etc. as outlined in 1 Corinthians 13, but also a choice that you make, initiated by a passionate feeling driving your choice to “do life” with whom you’ve chosen. It’d be strengthened by common goals, visions, and desires; the “feeling” is important but not the reason.
But a lot of people say do not marry for love. I was on TikTok the other day and a video of a female preacher popped up, and she vehemently stressed that we should not marry for love, because love is not enough. Marry for compatibility, for purpose, for the fulfillment of God’s will for your lives. You marry because you have the same vision, and are in agreement concerning religion, finances, family, children, career, wealth, etc.
The comments on such videos, of those who are or have been in long-term relationships echo the same sentiment. It’s like everyone and their momma is holding bright neon signs, with loudspeakers in hand, yelling on top of their lungs: DO NOT MARRY FOR LOVE! And I’m standing here wondering why.
If everything else passes away and love remains, why is it not enough? I think that love should buttress the relationship, so that, should the practical things of religion, finances, career, family, be in a season of change or they are bringing challenges, love will still remain standing, it’s what will allow you to fight back.
The love of Christ – which is the agape love, the unconditional, selfless love, is often referenced in Christian circles. I think it was, back in my younger days. Yet, if we sincerely believe in its power, its possibility, its purity why do we not think it is enough? Is this not the love that keeps things together, that says it will bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, and endure all things? The love that says it will never fail?
Is it only good in theory, but impossible in practice?
I’ve met a few people with whom I felt compatible. We had the same values and beliefs and agreed on most things. But why weren’t we suitable partners? If love were a staircase, I’d say each step is an invitation to reach its apex. And there are little things that we are invited to do for each other on our ascent. They are small, but you feel their weight, still. They challenge your comfort. They are small enough to neglect, but big enough to make an impact. And if love is like that staircase, there are a lot of assumptions being made and expectations already set or being made as one is climbing. And folks stop at certain points because they don’t believe they ought to continue, or the discomfort one starts to feel (as is natural as you climb new heights) is worth continuing. We are all self-seeking in many ways. One can be patient and not be willing to be patient with you. A person can be kind but is unwilling to extend that to you. It’s a cost. And some people don’t find it valuable to pay the cost to you specifically. And as you’re climbing, even though you may have shared visions, goals, beliefs, at a point you may decide that you don’t want to be on a journey with that specific person, or someone convinces you that it’s not worth it. But what is it that makes you choose one over the other, when the previous and current person meet the formula of shared vision, beliefs, values, etc?
With this in mind, I’d say that shared values are integral to a strong foundation. You must be in agreement to build and sustain that foundation. It’s what made the building of the tower of Babel extraordinary, because the people were one in their pursuit. When there’s agreement, the vision flourishes in patience, in kindness, in faithfulness, in perseverance. But if the strength of agreement is compromised, or destroyed, what is it that will keep you together?
With this question in mind, am I still of the opinion to marry for love?
Yes, I’d say so. Because, after we meet all the compatibility factors, dotting all the “I’s” and crossing our “t”s, what remains? Songs of Solomon 8:7 says “many waters cannot quench love…” What is that type of love? In my opinion, it goes beyond the practical things we’re saying builds lasting marriages. What love is this that is invincible and powerful? Is that agreement? Is that passion laced with agreement? Is that unconditional love mixed with passion, and endurance? Where and how do you cultivate a love that cannot be quenched by many waters? A love that is as strong as death, and its jealousy unyielding as the grave?
There’s a passionate aspect of love that I feel is being suppressed for the practical aspects. I understand why. Passion is unsustainable long term. And passion is heady, exciting; it has no rhyme or reason for what it wants, it just consumes. Dare I say God’s love toward us is passionate – because it has to be more than reason that drives you to die for someone who has not decided whether they want you or not. But it’s also sacrificial and pure because it gives you space to agree, to consent. It doesn’t impose and coerce you to accept. His passion is not out to destroy.
I think that, like Christ, there’s a dying to self that we all must muster consistently, if not daily, that unlocks that passion and reflects that pure love of God, the Holiness of God. In his Holiness you cannot tolerate impurity, wickedness or evil. You abhor what causes defilement. And that is possible if one is willing. And you experience this refinement toward holiness when you willingly climb that staircase of self-sacrifice, letting God help you with each step. We are all capable of learning to die to self, but not everyone is willing.
To you, is that what love is? An amalgamation of passion, purity, sacrifice, agreement, service to each other? Or is it one of many ingredients in the soup of romantic love, that mostly tastes like self-sacrifice? I understand that there are various forms of love: unconditional love, sexual, passionate love, friendship love, etc; but if love cannot be quenched by many waters, and if God, because of love, gave us Jesus, why do we accept that this same love is not enough to sustain our relationships. What are we missing?
