“But though he had done so many miracles before them, yet they believed not on him” (John 12:37). Recently when I read this scripture, I felt it was talking to me, but I didn’t understand how that could be so. I thought about testimonies that I have, I thought of testimonies that I heard, and thought of the things that have been keeping me up, stressing and discomfiting me. And for the things that have been harassing me, I examined them by the light of this word and saw that, although I have seen the arm of God, ambivalence was in my heart.
Thereafter the scripture asks “Lord, who has believed our report? To whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?” (John 12:38).
There are things that God has said that I was starting to doubt. And I was beginning to regret having had the desire for the thing. I think we love to talk about how inspiring people with a vision are; that we ought to be such people. But I think the vision portion is easy; it’s persevering to see the vision come to pass that makes the difference. At a point I was lamenting why the majority of what I envision requires so much money; but the money is not the most challenging portion. It’s enduring. It’s the sacrifice; it’s the believing and relentlessly clinging to and working of faith that’s decidedly taxing. It’s where I find myself wanting to give up.
However, this scripture in John has caused me to pause. God has done many miracles in my life, and the lives of those around me. Why was I struggling to believe? Why was I struggling to believe his report? I’ve surely seen and experienced his power of deliverance.
Belief is not something that happens outside of one’s will. By my will I have to step out of darkness and choose light. By my will, I have to decide the risk is worth the reward. By my will I have to decide the ridicule, and scorn, will not outweigh the benefits and the glory. By my will I have to decide that God is not a man that He should lie. By my will I have to decide that God will not put me to shame. By my will I have to choose to abide in the light and not continue in unbelief.
The light of God has come, but it requires you to choose to come out of darkness. If you believe in this light, your next steps have to look different from your previous ones. Verse 46 of John encourages that we should not abide in darkness. To abide is to accept, to be able to tolerate, or to continue in something. You have a will to make a choice. The light of God won’t cease shining. It’s your decision if you want to remain where you are, or if you want it to change you.
