Hi, my name is Chenai Mbanga! Welcome to my blog! I write to encourage, inspire and empower you in growing in your spiritual life through reflections and prose. I have been writing on this blog for 5 years now, and it has been a journey! Join me as I continue my journey toward self-actualizing.❤


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Soulish Things


"The eye is the lamp of the body; so then if your eye is clear, your whole body will be full of light" Matthew 6:22



Do you remember when I sat with you, and I admired how you had such an extensive library of worship songs in your mind, and you turned to me and you said that everything that I do irks you? And cheekily, I responded, “Why, because I’m so fabulous?”

And you rattled off a few things, but how I dress was top of your list.


I sighed and looked away from you. I’ve been thinking about this exchange, and wryly I think if you knew me from the past you’d certainly hate me. But I didn’t tell you that. I didn’t defend myself. As I sat there, and even now, I think about what it is that we look for when among other children of God. What do we expect from them? And if people meet our expectations, will we be transformed by it? By whose standard are we judging righteousness; the word of God or what we feel is the correct standard.  I haven’t always stopped to think about the measuring stick I am using to judge, where it’s coming from or by whom or what it’s influenced. 


You’re irked by me.  I know what you mean. Being in this type of community, the expectations are high, and you expect so much and are often let down. You inevitably begin to expect perfection and wisdom and righteousness and discretion from people in increasing measure. But these expectations aren’t always met. And you wonder how vessels that are spirit filled can be this imperfect, this inconsistent, this fallible.


But you, too, are among them. You have to learn to sit in that revelation without being defensive. When you learn to do that, you learn accountability, responsibility; grace toward others and toward yourself flows a little easily. You can admonish from a place of wisdom, rather than self-righteous emotions. I haven’t properly mastered this myself, but I’m working on it. 


I know that you know that we are to work on our own salvation with fear and trembling. I was tempted to ask if you know what that means but I held my tongue. It’s not that I felt judged, but it made me question what it is that I expect from people, what they expect from me, and what it all means in this journey of faith. I didn’t want to walk away with all sorts of conclusions about you. One must always guard their hearts, both from the things outside, and the internal things, you know?

I know that the grace and mercy shown to me, that grace and mercy that puts me on my knees in tears of thanksgiving and reverence; I ought to allow it to flow to others. How we perceive others, what we expect from them, can keep us from walking in the grace that we daily thank God for extending to us.

The exchange we had is evidence that this channel is not always free of obstructions.  


If you’ve never been confronted with your own imperfection, inconsistency and fallibility I heave a sigh for you. You’ll get there. But I hope you’ll lean on the one who authors your faith. You’ll encounter moments where you’ll shock yourself. And people will shock you. You’ll want to both persevere and surrender. You’ll regret this road even as you acknowledge that it’s the best path of them all. You’ll be let down. But you have to persevere through it. 


I hope the complaint of your heart bears the fruit of wisdom and understanding. I hope you won’t clench your fists around a single narrative of who people are. I hope the light of truth helps you see what is covered, and you receive understanding. Perhaps you’ll receive conviction of your own self one of these days. I hope how you feel towards me does not go unexplored.  God may reveal something interesting to you about yourself, or about me too.