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Hi, my name is Chenai Mbanga! Welcome to my blog! I write to encourage, inspire and empower you in growing in your spiritual life through reflections and prose. I have been writing on this blog for 5 years now, and it has been a journey! Join me as I continue my journey toward self-actualizing.❤

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Self Reflection

pic via @coldlaundry

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These thoughts of mine have been heavy. They’ve come like a flood; some days I’ve felt like I’m drowning, other days I’m floating with the current, but each time I’m being carried. I’m not steering or directing where I’m going. I found myself getting further and further away from my plans. I grasp for control but it slips out of my hand like the breath that I can barely catch when I feel myself going under. 

There were days that I swam against the tide, only for a wave to draw me back where I was coming from. Some days the seas calmed, and I thought myself safe. I stopped fighting it for a while; I found strength to swim, I took a moment to regroup. I received clarity that I’d lost; re-ignited confidence that seemed non-existent but was just buried beneath fear and doubt. Made plans, and then those plans seemingly changed overnight. But life goes on, because it has to. 

 

But these thoughts of mine are often distractions. Distractions from completing my tasks, from adventuring into the unknown, from pursuing that which makes my heart palpitate and sends my mind in a frenzy because I don’t have control. I can’t dictate and direct on this path, and so everything in me balks and writhes in protest. Sometimes, in life you take calculated risks. Sometimes, you just take a risk. Sometimes, you look at God, and you tell him, I’m going to live this one out by faith. Sometimes you just trust, even though you don’t see the entire picture. 

 

I crave liberty. But I’ve succumbed to the chains of my mind. Entertaining the confusion of competing belief systems as though my time on earth is endless. Meandering behind the fear and uncertainty that is consumed by its own confusion and uncertainty. Being distracted. Forgetting that I have work to do. Forgetting that it’s time to focus on me. Forgetting that I’m co-pilot. Forgetting to stop making room for those who don’t want it.  Forgetting.

 

But I remembered. Because these thoughts, although they come in heavy, they always forget too. They forget that I’m sifting through everything, I’m thinking about what it all means. I’m hypervigilant; that in the midst of the flood, I’m praying; in the midst of the flood, I’m paying attention. That in the midst of the flood, I tell myself, “I’m coming out of this even better, even stronger.” I remind myself that even in the midst of this disappointment, I’m going to be victorious. 

 

There’s this girl. She irritated me something fierce. Couldn’t get her out of my mind. But I was reminded that I am responsible for myself, and not for someone else. Do your part, but you are not responsible for what does or doesn’t happen. People get to decide what they want for themselves. You don’t have to be responsible for what they choose to do or not do. You can be empathetic, and still have boundaries. 

 

Yes, my thoughts have been heavy. But I’m lighter now. I went on top of the mountain and my mind is clear. Life is to be lived, and not to be wasted. For every day that I have, I am not to fear, but to have faith.  And I, who craves liberty, ought to live this life daringly, unapologetically. I’m looking at everything around me. There’s little time left to waste.