Like a city that is broken down without walls is a man whose spirit is without restraint -Proverbs 2:28
In the
heat of the moment, it is a foreign concept to pause, assess, process and get
perspective about a situation. Because the blood is boiling; the responses are
piling up on your tongue, and they are ready to fly out like sharpshooters
toward their target. No doubt your aim is accurate; but the results are
disastrous. Emotions give you a false sense of accurately attacking your
target. With emotions, everything is a target; even the point that wasn't a
point of contention becomes contentious. Proverbs 27:17-18 says: the one who
has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is
even-tempered. Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning
if they hold their tongues. I do not always have a restraint on my
emotions. The moments that I do, I pray that God gives me wisdom to respond,
help me not respond emotionally. And I say it enough times until I feel myself
stabilize to a normal heart rate. It takes patience to wait for a divine
mystery to manifest the prayer; it takes patience to detach from my emotions
and return to an equilibrium with the rest of my body.
It takes
patience.
Admittedly
I fail at exercising that patience, because sometimes, during that prayer, the
outrage is enormous that it feels irrational to be rational about the moment.
The knowledge and understanding that proverbs 27 talks about is rendered
lifeless. And passion prevails. It prevails because it is all consuming;
passion in and of itself is without restraint. But I must have restraint, so
that it will not filter through my mind all willy nilly. And that takes
practice. It means I have to be vigilant at the height of my emotional trigger;
in the heat of that moment my spirit must overcome my soul and its passions and
detach in order to be in control.
I am in a
battle with my feelings all day long. This is not to say every emotion is
negative. But I need to build strong gates, with strong Durawalls that
allow the positive through and the negative ones to be arrested. I'm praying
for floods of patience, and equal portions of humility to receive this
patience. Because this pride cannot be subdued with deep breaths and counting
backwards. I must decide to humble myself to receive the divine empowerment I
need to exercise patience. And as psalm 27, says having knowledge and
understanding allows for the exercise of restraint and even-tempered-ness.
Evidently,
this is a test of self-control, of self-mastery. I found a quote by Josh
Billings, that states: the best time for you to hold your tongue is the time
you feel you must say something or bust. And I find this quote
relate-able. I'm familiar with that feeling, of having to absolutely let words
be said otherwise they are not impactful, or I won't be heard, or I won't get
my feelings or point across, and oh-my-gosh-it is of absolute importance to
convey how I'm feeling. But those words come, and they are like perpetual
vomit, and just as acrid. Evidently, I lack restraint. I am without knowledge
or understanding when I behave like this. And a disaster is awaiting me at the
end of that harangue. I can only hope that in these interactions, the other
person has greater restraint, otherwise I am to brace myself for a deluge of
equal or greater venomous response. To what end, though? I cannot control how
the other person responds, neither can I expect them to be self- controlled. I
can only control myself and my emotions, and prayerfully ask that I not allow
myself to be provoked by someone's lack of self control either.
So, what
am I to do? Pause. In the midst of a tumultuous storm of emotions battling my
heart, I have to learn to pause, and command this deluge to be still. And I
must practice this until I become better at it. And one day soon,
the fruit of my lips shall bring me great
satisfaction.
Until then I shall plead with the Lord to set a
guard over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips! Psalm 141:3
**
Chenai Mbanga
~SoulTea~
pics from @romeoshagba/@graobe_noelle
