Expectations

22:55




I wish you would listen as much as you like to talk about yourself, your experiences, your feelings. Perhaps you would hear and understand my position, rather than see my words and expectations as trying to push you into a box. Your actions should speak louder than your words. I have to question everything because your words are loud, unrelenting. I don't want to be drowned by them, and given false security. I want to understand the basin from which your emotions flow, and ensure that basin is healed from past offenses. And so I make demands, not because I see you lacking, but because I know you are able to do better, and be better. So that I too may learn you, understand you. But I do not feel safe taking a step to understand someone who only wants to protect themselves and be understood, and will only understand you when they feel like it. 
It's all about good energy and good vibes with you. When the energy and the vibe stops flowing, where will I find you? By my side or farther from me? At the feet of Christ or elsewhere? Your commitment to this needs to be more than just good energy and good vibes. Those will go away, I promise you.  I need you to be present, focused. Don't allow yourself to be distracted, but be intentional about going beyond what you are used to, what you are comfortable with. Let your questions be exploratory, not overly critical and derisive. If you cannot do that, then you and I can never flow together. I want someone bold and courageous enough to flow against the current; not because of good vibes, or to prove a point, or hide from an insecurity, or display strength-real or imagined.  It's a journey that requires you to put down everything you think you know and re-learn anew. It's an experience that requires your submission; submission isn't predicated on a vibe or a feeling. It's a surrender despite what you think, feel, what you see. It's a disconnecting of what you think you know, your past and current experience, to seek the truth and operate in an enigmatic experience.

I want to be bold, courageous; to flow against the current, not to prove a point, or hide an insecurity, or display strength-real or imagined.  I want to listen well, understand well, focus well. I want to learn to let go of control so I can be these things. But in expecting this does not make me above correction, or perfect in my pursuit of holiness and righteousness.  I am learning as you are learning. Making mistakes. Learning to surrender.
I do not expect something that I am unwilling to do.
I wish you would listen to hear me; to understand me, absent of what you've known to be true. There are soul ties to be broken and ones to knit anew. I wish you'd be bold enough to remove the garments of the past; be naked before God and gain a new experience. I wish you'd be present in His presence. 

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|...let us go right into the presence of God with sincere hearts fully trusting Him. For our guilty consciences have been sprinkled with Christ's blood to make us clean, and our bodies have been washed with pure water | Hebrews 10:22

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