Hi, my name is Chenai Mbanga! Welcome to my blog! I write to encourage, inspire and empower you in growing in your spiritual life through reflections and prose. I have been writing on this blog for 5 years now, and it has been a journey! Join me as I continue my journey toward self-actualizing.❤


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I Forgive You

Then the master called the servant in. You wicked servant, he said. I cancelled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had on you?- Matthew 18:32-33

Forgive.  It is said that if you do not forgive you are doing a wicked thing because how can you expect forgiveness and not give it to others? 

But you don’t know what this person did.

The more I grow and learn the more I realize it never matters what the other person did. Not in the grand scheme of forgiveness.  Sometimes there is no payback for the wrongs committed. Sometimes the payback is swift. Often, the opportunity for vengeance is there coaxing you. They deserve it, right? But vengeance is for the Lord. 

I have to wonder: am I experiencing the vengeance of the Lord on behalf of someone I wronged?

Anyway, forgiveness is said to be for you. For your own peace. For your freedom. Untether yourself to the destruction that the other person caused you. You have no control of another person’s actions. Sometimes, people don’t know why they do the awful things they do. You, yourself do awful things from time to time. And you feel justified in doing them sometimes because you want to teach someone a lesson. It’s different when you are at the receiving end of that lesson. Or at the receiving end of another’s cruelty. 

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? Discernment is a powerful tool to have, because with it, you see beyond the good deeds of a person, beyond the surface. And it is confusing sometimes to have this window presented to you. Because it rarely aligns with the actions or your perceptions of the person. God gives you clarity, makes you empathetic; but still, part of you revolts, and your ego demands its pound of flesh.

But you have to let it go. And keep letting go until you are empty of the hurt they caused, and full of the peace that you deserve and the grace to do good, and think good thoughts towards the person who wronged you.
There’s no time frame. Wrestling with your ego and the memories that remind you of their transgression is exhausting. Sometimes I give into it. But I’ve gotten to a point where feeling that hate towards you feels wrong. It no longer belongs to me. 

You are in a prison that I can scarcely begin to comprehend.  And I no longer want to occupy this odious place with you, and that’s why I’m releasing you. And knowing what I know about you (what I’ve always known, if I have to be honest), I pray that you whom I’m forgiving find the courage to seek God and ask for peace. You need it to make sense of the turmoil inside your heart, to release you from the bondage of hurt and confusion, and the inaccurate perception of yourself. God will affirm you in a way that no human being can.  And he will show you a love that you don’t think you deserve. But I want you to be courageous and reach out your hand and accept it. I want you to be well. I want you to be whole.
 I don’t think you even think that you are in prison, and that’s why I’m encouraging you to seek God because it’s Him who can open the blind eyes, bring out the prisoners out of prison, and them that sit in darkness out of the prison house. Yes, you are blind. Yes you are in prison. And yes, you are sitting in darkness hence the wickedness of your actions.

In the infancy of my anger and hurt, forgiving you felt like a loss of strength, a surrendering of power, a justifying of your wretchedness. And it often feels like that, doesn’t it? Undoubtedly, some people’s acts of violence are especially heinous that to pardon them is unfathomable; forgiving can feel as equally wicked as the crime. It’s not a romantic idea or a feel-good feeling, in my opinion. But I have come to the conclusion that I care more about my peace and freedom than I do about you and the reasons for your actions. Yes, I want you to be well, and whole, but if you do not become well or whole, it’s of no consequence to me.

You are forgiven.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behaviour. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God through Christ has forgiven you. |Ephesians 4:31-32|