A Candle In the Wind

19:20


When I heard that you had passed away I didn’t want to believe it. I thought it was a terrible, distasteful joke, one I had planned on telling you so we could laugh. Because we always laughed. There was always something to laugh about, something to joke about.
Folks says don’t take today for granted because tomorrow is not promised. I guess I forgot that. I would never have divined that you wouldn’t be here anymore. Not you. Why you? How?
I still don’t understand. I do my best to fill my mind with other things and not think that you are no longer around. We didn’t talk everyday so missing you is strange. I don’t quite miss you because I don’t consider that you are gone. We could go weeks without texting but I never doubted that you were there. Always there.
But now you are not.
Is there anything I wish I had said to you?
Honestly, no.
I wasn’t planning on losing you. I wasn’t thinking that someday soon…
I don’t have feelings of regret. I’m still perplexed that you are no longer here. I try not to think about you so that I don’t cry. So that I don’t consider how fragile our lives are, how unfair this is.

When I heard the news I prayed for you. I prayed the way I should have been praying all along. I prayed for your family. I prayed for myself, a silent voice asking me if I’d prayed this fervently consistently, would you still be around? Would it have made a difference?
I prayed for the salvation of your soul, because once again, I am reminded that that’s all that matters. The salvation of our souls.
I have faith that God heard my prayer for your soul.
I have faith that He forgives me for being a terrible Christian, one who should have been praying fervently for the protection of her friend. I didn’t know about what was going on with you, but I should have been praying regardless. How can I be so choked with the cares of life that I forget to envelop my friends in prayer, their going out and their coming in. Their sleeping and waking moment?
Why is it that your death has sent me running to the feet of Jesus, when I should have been there in the first place?

I am going to miss your laugh.  Your voice. That beautiful black hair that always fell in waves. There won’t be any more game nights with pizza. I was hoping there’d be another one.
There won’t be any more jokes.
You will no longer joke about me drinking “Jesus juice.”
When I go on my next vacation, you will no longer ask me to bring you a keychain.

I’m glad to have known you. Your spirit was so beautiful. So sweet. So caring. You opened your home to me more than once, to share, to eat, to laugh, to have a good time.
I still don’t understand why it had to be you.  
Your voice is what I will remember the most. 
And your laugh. 
I'm glad to have known the wonderful woman in you.


Rest in peace, my friend.

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