Have you been reading on the Harvey Weinstein scandal? Do you have any thoughts?
Hmm...not really, other than anger, disgust, a bit of
hopelessness, and something that I can't quite name.
Hopelessness? Why?
I wonder if it's going to stop, if anything truly is going to
change; if it has opened up some eyes, or perhaps some are still a bit drowsy
when it comes to sexual assaults and violence against women. Are we going to
continue to just survive in a society that protects predatory men, and protects
predatory beliefs and attitudes? From time to time, justice prevails, but often
it’s out of reach. From time to time, you feel the echoes of justice served, but
after the dust settles, you realize that it isn't necessarily a
"bad" human problem. The systemic ideas and attitudes that promote this behaviour is the real the culprit. And who wants to do the work to see how they are part of the
problem and then changing to be a solution. Very few, right?
Have you done the work?
I try to. Breaking down wrong thought patterns is very
challenging. And blocking them is just as challenging because they come under the
guise of rationality. Yet, it must go without saying that no one deserves
violence. Clothing or alcohol or withdrawing consent does not warrant, nor is
it an invitation to violence. Neither
should we protect those who use their power to exert this violence. If certain
behaviours are part of the culture then we need to go beyond saying our culture
is bad and begin dismantling these ideas through education and action with the full support of policies.
Do you think the right education has helped you grow in
understanding about what fuels sexual violence?
Yeah. It’s easy to blame
the victim. It feels comfortable to do so because it releases you of responsibility.
But recognizing that sexual violence is not fueled by lust but it’s ignited by
the need for power and control puts a spotlight on an individual and their own
actions. Our relationships, whether with family, friends, spouses or intimate
partners, boss/colleagues have different power dynamics and within these
relationships some people abuse their authority through coercion: pressuring
someone, guilting them or threatening them (and threats can be physical and
non-physical). Everyone must be taught that another human being is not their
property and coercion and bullying, etc is not healthy.
Have you ever felt threatened?
Yes. It's beyond words how entitled some people feel to another’s body.
It’s hard to explain feeling powerless
and scared but still sober enough to take in everything that is happening.
Where you go from asking politely for a person to leave, to demanding, and your
words are like confetti on this human in front of you rapidly morphing into a
beast. And you want to shout for help but you remember you got yourself in this
mess so is it even worth shouting? And before you can even decide, you are
trapped. You can't push someone off of you. And you have a war
inside yourself: one side says give in and it'll be over quickly whilst the
other is screaming no, it isn't right. And fighting feels hopeless. But the thought
of giving in makes you feel complicit; and you feel even more wretched. It's
horrible. It is a violent experience. It is awful feeling even a fraction of it
daily, or weekly, or however often some have to face the predator.
What did you do when it occurred?
Nothing. Talked it over with a friend...we always find way to make
a joke of a terrible situation. I didn't have a name for it; I didn't identify
it as an assault, just something that I never want to happen again. Filed it
away; washed my hands of the situation and moved on. I didn't lose sleep over
it.
Did you talk to the person afterwards? Did the person
acknowledge what happened? Was there awareness on the person’s part of what you
just described?
I’m almost certain I did talk to that person. Survivors of sexual
assaults get crucified for such contradicting behavior. I can’t recall if there
was a conversation about it, and if so, how it went. I suppose I tried to
return back to some semblance of normalcy; where you chalk the behavior as
a one-off, a bizarre twist of reality that can be suppressed and never spoken
of again. The bile and revulsion rise up, reminding you that it wasn’t ok, but
you remind it that it’s over, and it won’t happen again, and let’s just forget
it. I don’t know. That’s just one perspective. I'm glad many are now speaking about their experience, though. As disappointing as it is to read and hear of the
frequency in which sexual violence occurs in our community, my hope is
that we change the ideas that fuel such violence.
