After all these years in the faith, surrendering to God’s plans has not gotten easier. The more you boldly say yes, the greater the pressure to jump ship becomes. You never really graduate in faith; your capacity of faith increases and comes with seemingly increased challenges. But I suppose what I’m seeing is still my ego wanting to control, direct, dictate. Does this dis - ease ever go away?
There’s something that I’m trusting God for, and it has been over a year that I’m hanging on. And lately I’ve been telling myself to take a resolute stance in my position of trust. Perhaps a week or so ago, a moment came when I heard “have faith” and the word faith kept ringing in my ears. I did all that I could to cling to it. After prayers at church, I was more resolute and anchored. I remembered that the battle is to keep your faith more than it is about how the “wait” feels. It may feel like your world is falling apart, but that’s a smokescreen to get you to give up your position. Have you ever noticed how in movies, if someone is trying to get through a heavily guarded door, sometimes they’ll create a distraction or a noise that causes the guard to leave his post and check out that sound? That’s what’s happening. And the pressure to leave the post becomes too great, but we have to remain rooted, remain standing.
God has been faithful in many things, and many ways. Even this week, he has shown himself faithful. And so, I have to remind my soul of this because of how quickly it has amnesia concerning who God is and what He has done. Who in this world can be as faithful and loving as He is? He has shown himself more trustworthy than the people in whom I normally put my trust. Trusting in human beings feels more secure, because you see them and you know them, can touch them. But I remember Jesus’s words that “blessed is he who believes and has not seen.”
I won’t lie. A few years ago, I remember things got so bad I told myself that I can’t wait for the day that I won’t need faith to acquire certain things. The Lord’s rebuke was swift. This journey is a journey of faith. Without faith, it is impossible to please God. And when your ways please Him, even your enemies must make peace with you. I can’t hope to make it in this life without faith. I can’t hope to do His work without faith. I can’t become who he has called me to be without faith. It feels like trial by fire, but I will come out as pure as gold. It's not meant to hurt me. The word has to be prominent in my life for my faith to increase, and to be a buffer against the onslaught of doubt. Faith comes by hearing, and hearing through the word of God. I have to hear God through his word, and his word will strengthen my faith.
I was wondering why, when Jesus displayed great miracles, some who witnessed the miracles still doubted him. But am I any different? I can sincerely say I have experienced miracles, and yet why does my mind still doubt?
But one interesting thing I see is that having faith in Jesus was a risk that many didn’t want to take. Because it made you an outsider. Some people needed to see Jesus by the cover of the night so they wouldn’t be seen as one of his followers. Some would believe in him inwardly but outwardly position themselves with people who reviled him. Faith in Jesus set you apart and put you at risk of something – giving up your pleasures, being alienated, etc. And that’s the discomfort that we have to wrestle through – potential alienation from people, our loved ones, our community, and even ourselves. We have to let go of who we thought we were to become who God says we are, and that is frightening. God’s vision is grand, and you have to surrender your normal way of thinking, believing and living. Imagine your life is a tall, sturdy building – imperfect, but manageable, and suddenly the entire building collapses. How can you not panic? How can you not be in distress? Yet imagine God saying, “I’m ordering your steps.” You may think it’s comforting, but how do you order the steps of a pile of rubble? It takes faith. Faith to believe He is able.
I tell God often that I’m not good at exercising faith and am terrible at being faithful. I judge with a human eye what God judges spiritually. And often it’s not a lack of faith but fear that has corrupted my vision and challenges my trust. If I wholly trust, regardless of what may come, I would not entertain such a conclusion.
Consider this: Jesus remained faithful, despite who left. It was poignant when he asked his disciples, “will ye also go away?” after preaching a message that caused many of his disciples to walk away. The things that God requires, and what God says are often hard to hear. But as Peter said: “Lord, who shall we go to? You have the words of life.” We often hear “life is hard, choose your hard.” Life in Christ can be hard, but it’s a hard that Peter recognized led to life. Life was hard, but Christ’s words offered something that no one else did. There was nowhere else to go, and no one else to go to. And it’s one of the main reasons I’ve remained on this journey. If I walk away, who will I go to? What I lose because of my faithfulness will not be bigger than what God will give me. The glory is greater than any individual or any group of people. Perhaps that’s what we have to begin to consider as we work to be consistent and faithful.
In a way, many of us are like Peter: we know Jesus has the words of life, but because the words are often hard to hear in certain areas, we keep walking away. But if we continue to do that, how will we mature? You’re not always going to get your way in everything in life, so to whom are you expecting your ego to take you?
