|Psalm 27:10|
*
I wish I’d known how to protect you better. I wanted to, but I didn’t know how. I didn’t know how because no one showed me how. I, too, needed protection but I didn’t know where to find it. I could only separate myself and hope that somehow, some way you’d be ok. I wasn’t ok, but I’d figure it out. I assumed you were strong; assumed you could handle it, assumed things would be ok, and at a time ahead, I’d be able to help you.
But when I figured out that you were barely hanging on, it was too late. You’ve found help elsewhere but it’s not doing you any good; and I’ve tried to tell you, but you’re resolute about the path you’re on. I wish I could make you see what I see, what I have been seeing. This was all done on purpose: you, me, all of us. Everyone. We were left to be like cities without walls. When invaded, it was our fault for not having defenses, for not defending ourselves against armies. When invaded, we could only endure. We became like sheep, scattered.
And it was all on purpose.
I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t grace to keep us alive; grace to hope for something better; grace for escape.
I wished I could have been what you needed, but even I couldn’t have fulfilled that. I didn’t think I could, truthfully. For a very long time we’ve been like that man that came home and leaned his hands on a wall only for a snake to bite him. For the longest time, there was darkness everywhere. For the longest time wickedness prevailed.
But it’s not like that anymore. Things have changed. You’ve been oppressed for so long, all you know is oppression. But even a soldier must learn to put the sword down and be at ease, and rest, and rejoice in his victory. He must not remain suspended in time, lamenting all that has been lost. You can mourn, but don’t let mourning be your bosom friend. We failed you; we were failed too, but we survived by grace.
You’ve tasted freedom once; know that you can taste it again. The kind that allows you to remain free, and free forever. But you must release yourself of the pain, the resentment, the disappointment, the sadness. Those responsible won’t take responsibility, I hope you understand this. Be responsible for your own emotions. You have a long road ahead of you; you have a better road ahead of you. You have a hopeful road ahead of you.
There’s a vulnerability that marks a person’s strength, but it isn’t everyone who can reach those depths. And it’s ok. It’s not everyone who can stand as a pillar of strength, of security. They were not built for that. They stand strong in a different capacity; not always in the way that we need at the time. I don’t know what it is that you are looking for. An apology? An admission of failure, of wrong? If you never receive it, will you still choose to move forward?
There are people who can provide shelter, but not comfort. There are people who can protect but cannot comfort. Your heart in their hands will never be at ease.
You’re not a child anymore. I’m not saying that you don’t need comfort; I see that you need more than that. I know you’re deeply injured, profoundly disappointed. But you’re not a child anymore. I’m pleading with you, please, raise your eyes and see the road of opportunity ahead of you. For the sake of your fruitfulness, heal. For the sake of receiving what you deserve, what you were denied, I beseech you to change. See what has happened as a mountain that you conquered, and these scars as the price of the warfare. You’ve won. Protect your victory.
Anger, resentment, condemnation ---- they are a ball and chain, a prison. Don’t keep company with them any longer. If you do not want to circle the same mountain until you die, get up from there.
Yes, the ball wasn’t dropped. It was deliberately crashed to the floor. But those pieces can’t tear you up anymore. You’re free from that.
Now, be free completely.
