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Hi, my name is Chenai Mbanga! Welcome to my blog! I write to encourage, inspire and empower you in growing in your spiritual life through reflections and prose. I have been writing on this blog for 5 years now, and it has been a journey! Join me as I continue my journey toward self-actualizing.❤

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    HINDSIGHT
    Hindsight is my first book! Read about where the idea came from, why I think it’s important, and how it’s the book that led to self-actualization.♡
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    I’m the founder and owner of amazing plant based hair and body butter! Transform your hair and skin with our natural plant butters and oils!♡
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    SPEAK ON IT, SIS!
    My girls and I are podcasters, speaking on life, adulting, and the socio-political challenges that we see and face as young black women in today’s society. Check out our podcast!♡
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Latest Posts

Revelations


 "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” – Carl Jung

I am going to leave you.  

I have wanted to leave you so many times, and even when I left it’s as though you made sure the road ahead would be a dead end so that I had no other choice but to come back to you. And I gave in because where else would I go? If every path keeps winding back to you, perhaps it is me who has to change. 


But I have contorted my mind, my body, purged myself of myself, filled myself with things unlike me, emptied myself again each and every time in hopes that things would change. But who am I kidding? All of this performance has been because I hoped that you would change; that a light would flicker on and you’d take notice, and drawn to see what I see, and you’d sum up the courage to change. But you keep missing it. 

But lately I stopped. Filled with frustration and inexplicable emotions, I turned the light on myself and wondered: why are you still here? Why are you afraid to fail that you’d endure that which you’ve outgrown? Why would you rather force yourself into clothing that no longer fits, rather than throw them away and find yourself a comfortable, suitable garment? 

 

You have become the clothing that no longer fit. And instead of tossing you aside, I chose to make myself smaller, and smaller thinking perhaps things would change. But people rarely change; not the ones who don’t want to anyway. And I don’t think you want that. I think you’ve grown accustomed to how things are that you can’t fathom being someone else, and doing something else. And in a way, I’ve taken on this quality, unable to move or change because where would I start? Why change an uncomfortable situation when time will make things better?  But people don’t get better with time. Only those who desire and  make effort to, get better with time. And I don’t want to be like you, being uncomfortably comfortable. Frustrated, but striving to carve ditches of comfort in the discomfort. And I don’t want to be inwardly frustrated by what I won’t change. And I don’t want to be frustrated with myself, wondering why you won’t change, when it’s not a question about you, but about me.  Why won’t you change?  Why won’t you overcome this uncomfortable situation rather than lingering in it? Why not just take the risk? Are you jumping off a cliff into a gorge that you’re afraid you wont’ make it? You’ll land on your feet. And even if you don’t, you’ll get up and will be ok.  I pose these questions not to you, but to myself. Because I can’t demand, expect, plead for you to change, when I, too, am doing what you’re doing. 

 

I don’t know what lies ahead, but I’m confident that regardless of what comes, I am going to be ok. 


Yeah, I have made up my mind and there’s no reversing it. I am leaving you.