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Hi, my name is Chenai Mbanga! Welcome to my blog! I write to encourage, inspire and empower you in growing in your spiritual life through reflections and prose. I have been writing on this blog for 5 years now, and it has been a journey! Join me as I continue my journey toward self-actualizing.❤

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Prejudice

pic via raw_melanin                  Prejudice: {law} cause harm [to a state of affairs] 

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Before he paid my dowry, he joked at length that he was buying my silence; that all the objections and the passion that I held would have to cease. I used to laugh back then. We both did. 

We are not laughing now.

After the dowry, our tongues were daggers with serrated edges, and our hands were weapons of war. Every Sunday there was a cease-fire, and on Mondays the peace treaty was revoked. 

We are sitting in the debris of our destroyed house. I don't know who threw the grenade that destroyed the foundation. No, that’s not accurate. Our foundation was weak. It weakened further over time. Was it the dowry jokes that caused the sand around us to shift? Or was it the sinister truths hidden in those jokes that did us in?

Perhaps it’s because we forsook God---I, because I was angry that He caused our paths to cross, and you, a pillar of nonchalance, never having cared to pursue Him to begin with.

 

They say a wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.

You and I are that foolish woman. We tore our house down because of pride. We built out of convenience, and not necessity. Our feelings mattered more than our future. Our comfort in our habits and mindsets had to be protected at all costs. 

We only met God on Sundays. But after a while He stopped listening long after we had stopped trying. Even He was disappointed. Everything became an excuse. Our passion dwindled to lukewarmth. Everything was hard because I was right. And you were right. And you had to change. And I had to change. And neither of us wanted to take the first step. Because Pride. 

We built this house on sinking sand, on whirlwinds of emotions, passion and intimacy, lies, and pride, good intentions, and half-hearted prayers, tied with a thin little bow of grace to give it the legitimacy of holiness.

But God is not a fool.

You cannot say that you want to build your house on the Rock, and not allow that rock to split you open. We chose instead to be crushed, rather than be pruned and beautified. 

You and I chose the illusion of comfort. And now our house is in ruins. 

 

I ran from God because I was angry that my paths crossed with you. I didn’t understand that our paths crossed so we could accomplish something beautiful. That we could put off the garments of pride, and hurt, unforgiveness, of sin, and be worthy to adorn the garments of honour that He had prepared for us.  Our paths crossed so we could have what we had always wanted. But we had to work for it. But it got too uncomfortable, didn’t it? We didn't want to sacrifice anything. We made the experience about us, rather than the foundation on which we claimed we wanted to build on.  And we rode the coattails of pleasure to destruction.

So, I guess it wasn't the dowry that did us in. It was you and your pride, faithlessness, your emotions, your shame that you hid and exchanged for arrogance. It was you and your wicked heart that chose to destroy rather than preserve. It was me and my pride, my fear, my arrogance, and a wicked heart that I didn't want cleansed. We didn't want to be exposed. Because we loved the notion of our goodness. We loved the wisdom that engorged us with hubris. We never were humble a day in our lives, were we? 

 We were tasked to build, but could not submit to being apprenticed for this endeavour.

 

I look at the ruins before us. I ran away from being apprenticed. It got hard. It stopped feeling good. I felt that I always had to give up what I wanted and what felt good to build this golden mansion that didn't seem valuable anymore. 

 

My heart is heavy. It's weary. I don't know if I want the promise anymore… I mean, there's a small ember of hope that flickers, still believing that it's possible, that I can get back and try again, and hope for something that is not chaotic. Isaiah promised that if I forsake this way of wickedness and my unrighteous thoughts, and return to God, I will receive compassion, and God will pardon me for my part in this.. (Isaiah 55:7).  I can't speak for you or tell you how and where you should go. If you want to do this well, you too must lay your pride down. When I get up from here, I'm returning to where I should be. Don’t come looking for me.

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"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires, to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." |Ephesians4:22-24| NIV